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21-Sep-2015 04:13

’ from a nice bloke called Jack, I immediately felt the need to dramatically blurt out that I had train tracks in a manner comparable to confessing that I had ten children from previous marriages or an axe murderer ex-husband. I spent weeks on the phone to mum moaning about how no one would ever kiss me again before realising that a) it wasn’t helping and b) nobody gives a fuck. Having retreated to the toilet to take stock of what I could possibly have said to warrant the serious shift in vibes, I then noticed what was essentially half a salad bar hanging from my front tooth. As I went downtown for the first time with braces, I’m pretty he could hear the voice in my head screaming ‘please don’t shred his dick, please don’t shred his dick…’ While I have since managed to give successful head (after a lot of Saturday afternoons spent trying to deep-throat a banana), I do try and avoid any prolonged action.

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03-Mar-2015 09:24

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